Two
friends, Smith and Jones, went together to play
the slot machines at the casino.
Each agreed that when his allotted money was
gone, he would go set on the bench and
wait for the other to finish. Jones quickly
lost all of his money and went to sit on the
bench.
He waited and waited and waited and waited.
After what seemed an eternity, he saw
Smith coming toward him carrying a huge sack
of coins. "Hey,
Jones," said Smith, "how'd you do?"
"Well, Smith", said Jones, "you
see me here on
this bench- what do you think? It looks like
you hit it big, though." "Oh yeah,"
said Smith,
"did I find a good machine! It's way
in the back. I'll show it to you-you can't
lose!
EVERY TIME YOU PUT IN A DOLLAR FOUR QUARTERS
COME OUT!!!" |
|
"I
want you to help me stop my son gambling,"
an anxious father said to his boy's
principal. "I don't know where he gets
it from but it's bet, bet, bet."
"Leave it to me," said the principal.
A week later he phoned the boy's father. "I
think I've
cured him," he said.
"How?"
"Well, I saw him looking at my beard and
he said, 'I bet that's a false beard.'
'How much?' I said, and he said "$5 "
"What happened?" asked the father.
"Well, he tugged my beard, which is quite
natural, and I made him give me $5. I'm sure
that'll teach him a lesson."
"No, it won't," said the father. "He
bet me $10 this morning that he'd pull your
beard with
your permission by the end of the week!" |
|
Ned
was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled
away all his money and had to
borrow a dime from another gambler just to use
the men's room. The stall happened to
be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine
and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings
and went to the blackjack table and turned his
small winnings into ten million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went
on the lecture circuit, where he told his
incredible story. He told his audiences that
he was eternally grateful to his benefactor,
and
if he ever found the man he would share his
fortune with him. After months of lectures,
a
man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm
that man. I was the one who gave you the
dime."
"You're
not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for
the guy who left the door open!" |
|
A
little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan
Bank, and says she wants to open a
savings account. The accounts person asks her
how much she would like to deposit to
open the account and the little old lady says,
"Three million dollars."
The accounts person is startled, and says,
"In what form?" and the little old
lady says,
"Cash. I've got it here in this bag..."
and the accounts person looks and, sure enough,
the
lady has a big grocery bag just chock full
of green stuff with big denominations.
This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts
person excuses herself to get the
president of the bank to handle this one.
He arrives, and escorts the little old lady
to his
office to handle it personally. Once in his
office, he asks the little old lady where
she got
so much money. She says, "Gambling."
"Gambling?", he says. "What
sort of gambling?"
"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts
of things, and I usually win. For example,
I've got
$100,000 right here that says that by noon
tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll
even
give you 4:1odds. You got $25,000 you'd be
willing to wager on that?"
The bank president is shocked at this sort
of thing coming from a sweet little old lady,
but
he didn't get to be the president of the Chase
Manhattan Bank without knowing something
about money. "I suppose I could come
up with enough to cover that sort of wager,
but I
wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's
no way you can win a bet like that!"
The little old lady just shook the bag, and
said, "I know what I'm doing.. and I
can afford to
lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"
"Ok, have it your way", said the
president, and
they shook hands on it.
"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning",
said the little old lady, and with that she
left.
Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady
arrives with a younger man in a three-piece
suit,
and is escorted to the bank president's office.
The president is a nervous wreck, though a
happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the
night before, waking every few minutes to
feel
his balls to check for impending squareness,
but nothing happened all night. He had
checked hundreds of times that morning, but
still nothing; perfectly normal. When the
little
old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing
he had won.
"Come
in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman
be?" said the president.
"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size
I want to have a witness. Any objections?"
"No, perfectly understandable",
said the president. "Well, it's now noon,
and I'm still
unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said
happily.
"Not so fast!" said the little old
lady. "For a hundred grand I want to
verify things personally!
Please drop your pants." The bank president
is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her
position he'd want proof as well, so he drops
his pants. The little old lady goes over to
him
and reaches out to feel the organs in question.
"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000,"
says the little old lady, handing over a bag
of bills. As
she does so, her lawyer starts banging his
head against the wall and moaning.
"What's wrong with him?" asks the
bank president.
"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you
ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000
with him
that I would have the President of the Chase
Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today." |
|
A
little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan
Bank, and says she wants to open a
savings account. The accounts person asks her
how much she would like to deposit to
open the account and the little old lady says,
"Three million dollars."
The accounts person is startled, and says,
"In what form?" and the little old
lady says,
"Cash. I've got it here in this bag..."
and the accounts person looks and, sure enough,
the
lady has a big grocery bag just chock full
of green stuff with big denominations.
This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts
person excuses herself to get the
president of the bank to handle this one.
He arrives, and escorts the little old lady
to his
office to handle it personally. Once in his
office, he asks the little old lady where
she got
so much money. She says, "Gambling."
"Gambling?", he says. "What
sort of gambling?"
"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts
of things, and I usually win. For example,
I've got
$100,000 right here that says that by noon
tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll
even
give you 4:1odds. You got $25,000 you'd be
willing to wager on that?"
The bank president is shocked at this sort
of thing coming from a sweet little old lady,
but
he didn't get to be the president of the Chase
Manhattan Bank without knowing something
about money. "I suppose I could come
up with enough to cover that sort of wager,
but I
wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's
no way you can win a bet like that!"
The little old lady just shook the bag, and
said, "I know what I'm doing.. and I
can afford to
lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"
"Ok, have it your way", said the
president, and
they shook hands on it.
"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning",
said the little old lady, and with that she
left.
Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady
arrives with a younger man in a three-piece
suit,
and is escorted to the bank president's office.
The president is a nervous wreck, though a
happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the
night before, waking every few minutes to
feel
his balls to check for impending squareness,
but nothing happened all night. He had
checked hundreds of times that morning, but
still nothing; perfectly normal. When the
little
old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing
he had won.
"Come
in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman
be?" said the president.
"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size
I want to have a witness. Any objections?"
"No, perfectly understandable",
said the president. "Well, it's now noon,
and I'm still
unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said
happily.
"Not so fast!" said the little old
lady. "For a hundred grand I want to
verify things personally!
Please drop your pants." The bank president
is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her
position he'd want proof as well, so he drops
his pants. The little old lady goes over to
him
and reaches out to feel the organs in question.
"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000,"
says the little old lady, handing over a bag
of bills. As
she does so, her lawyer starts banging his
head against the wall and moaning.
"What's wrong with him?" asks the
bank president.
"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you
ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000
with him
that I would have the President of the Chase
Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today." |
|
| During
the Great Depression, there was this man who
walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the
bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like
to buy the house a round of drinks". The
bartender said, "That's fine, but we're
in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need
to see some money first". The guy pulls
out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the
bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what
he's seeing. "Where did you get all that
money?" asked the bartender. "I'm
a professional gambler", replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing!
I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things,"
said the guy. "Like what?" asked the
bartender?
"Well,
for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite
my right eye." The bartender thought
about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls
out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw,
you screwed me", said the bartender,
and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give
you another chance. I'll bet you another $50
that I can bite my LEFT eye," said the
stranger. The bartender thought again and
said, "Well, I know you're not blind,
I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take
that bet". So, the guy pulls out his
false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw,
you screwed me again". "That's how
I win so much money, bartender. I'll just
take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu
of the $50", said the man.
With
that, the guy went to the back room and spent
the better part of the night playing cards
with some of the locals. After many hours
of drinking and card playing, he stumbled
up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk,
said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last
chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand
on this bar here on one foot and piss into
that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you
without spilling a drop".
The
bartender once again pondered the bet. The
guy couldn't even stand up straight on two
feet, much less one. "OK, you're on".
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one
leg, and began pissing all over the place.
He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but
not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The
bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender
said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said,
"That's OK. I just bet each of the guys
in the card room $1000 each that I could piss
all over you AND the bar and still make you
laugh!"
|
|
Q:
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady
to say f*ck?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady
to yell BINGO! |
|
| There's
the touching story of the young man who said
to his girlfriend, "I bet you won't marry
me." The story goes that she not only called
his bet but she raised him five! |
|
| Two
bored dealers are waiting around for someone
to walk up and try their luck at the craps table.
A very attractive lady comes in and wants to
bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll
of the dice. The dealers agree. She says, "I
hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when I'm half naked." With that she strips
naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice
while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair
of pants!" She then begins jumping up and
down and hugging each of the dealers. "Yes!
I win! I win!" With that she picks up her
money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers
just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally
one of them asks, "what did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought
you were watching the dice!" |
|
| A
guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble.
His business has gone bust and he's in serious
financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides
to ask god for help. He begins to pray... "god,
please help me. I've lost my business and if
I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my
house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays... "god, please let me
win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house
and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.
Once again, he prays... "my God, why have
you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my
house, and my car. my wife and children are
starving. I don't often ask you for help and
I have always been a good servant to you. Please
just let me win the lottery this one time so
I can get my life back in order." Suddenly
there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens
open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God
Himself: "Joe, meet me halfway on this!
Buy a ticket." |
|
| A
man comes home to find his wife packing her
bags. "Where are you going?" demands
the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I
found out that there are men that will pay me
$500 to do what I do for you for free!"
The
man pondered that thought for a moment, and
then began packing HIS bags. "What do
you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"I'm
going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see
how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"
|
|
|
