| Rodney
Dangerfield joined Gamblers Anonymous. They
gave him three-to-one he wouldn't make it. |
|
| Jumbled Word
Word:
Slot Machines
Rearranged word:
Cash Lost in 'em
|
|
Bill
Gates arrives at the port to heaven and hell.
Petrus says : You see Bill, we don't know what
to do with you. You may choose "heaven"
or "hell".
Bill peeks in heaven and sees a couple of old
boring men sitting around at a table. Bill takes
a look in hell and sees really beautiful women,
sex, drugs, rock and roll, and most of all,
gambling.
So Bill says : I am a gambling
man, I want to go to hell! Once in hell, Bill
is immediately thrown into the fire. So Bill
says : hey, what the hell is this, I saw all
the gambling, the women, and sex?
The devil says: 'That was
just a demo version."
|
|
|
A
successful businessman flew to Vegas for the
weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his
back, and had nothing left but a quarter and
the second half of his round-trip ticket --
If he could just get to the airport he could
get himself home. So he went out to the front
of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the
cabbie. He promised to send the driver money
from home, he offered him his credit card
numbers, his drivers license number, his address,
etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt
appropriate dialect), "If you don't have
fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike
to the airport and was barely in time to catch
his flight.
One
year later the businessman, having worked
long and hard to regain his financial success,
returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went
out to the front of the casino to get a cab
ride back to the airport. Well who should
he see out there, at the end of a long line
of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused
to give him a ride when he was down on his
luck. The businessman thought for a moment
about how he could make the guy pay for his
lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The
businessman got in the first cab in the line,
"How much for a ride to the airport,"
he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came
the reply. "And how much for you to give
me a blow-job on the way?" "What?!!!
Get the hell out of my cab."
The
businessman got into the back of each cab
in the long line and asked the same questions,
with the same result. When he got to his old
friend at the back of the line, he got in
and asked "How much for a ride to the
airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen
bucks."
The
businessman said "ok" and off they
went. Then, as they drove slowly past the
long line of cabs the businessman gave a big
smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
|
|
Dear
John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off
our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget?
Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool
- nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning
this week's lottery.
|
|
A
man was quietly reading his paper when his
wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on
the head with a frying pan.
"What
was that for?" he says. "That was
for the piece of paper in your pants pocket
with the name Mary Lou written on it",
she replies.
"Two
weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou
was the name of one of the horses I bet on",
he explains. She looks satisfied, apologizes,
and goes off to do work around the house.
Three
days later he's again sitting in his chair
reading when she nails him with an even bigger
frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he
comes to, he says, "What the hell was
that for?" "Your horse phoned."
|
|
| Poker
Advice
Never do card tricks for the group you play
poker with. |
|
|
During
the Great Depression, there was this man who
walked into a bar one day. He walked up to
the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd
like to buy the house a round of drinks".
The bartender said, "That's fine, but
we're in the middle of the Depression, so
I'll need to see some money first". The
guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets
them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't
believe what he's seeing. "Where did
you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler", replied
the man. The bartender said, "There's
no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50
at best, right?" "Well, I only bet
on sure things," said the guy. "Like
what?" asked the bartender?
"Well,
for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite
my right eye." The bartender thought
about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls
out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw,
you screwed me", said the bartender,
and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give
you another chance. I'll bet you another $50
that I can bite my LEFT eye," said the
stranger. The bartender thought again and
said, "Well, I know you're not blind,
I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take
that bet". So, the guy pulls out his
false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw,
you screwed me again". "That's how
I win so much money, bartender. I'll just
take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu
of the $50", said the man.
With
that, the guy went to the back room and spent
the better part of the night playing cards
with some of the locals. After many hours
of drinking and card playing, he stumbled
up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk,
said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last
chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand
on this bar here on one foot and piss into
that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you
without spilling a drop".
The
bartender once again pondered the bet. The
guy couldn't even stand up straight on two
feet, much less one. "OK, you're on".
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one
leg, and began pissing all over the place.
He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but
not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The
bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender
said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said,
"That's OK. I just bet each of the guys
in the card room $1000 each that I could piss
all over you AND the bar and still make you
laugh!"
|
|
The
Poland Lottery
Did you hear about the $20,000,000 Poland Lottery?
The
winner gets $20 a year for a million years.
|
|
|
My
husband's going to a casino in central Asia.
Tibet?
Of
course, why else would he go! |
|
| The
best bet for a player to make is what is called
a "Mind Bet" You stand behind the
game watch the action and attempt to predict
the winner. You never bet any real money you
only bet in your mind. Last week a friend of
mine lost his mind three times. |
|
The
name refers to the Earl of Sandwich who lived
1718 to 1792. The British have always been betting
and gambling buffs. It's in accordance with
their idea of sports and sportsmanship - basically
a British philosophy.
But the Earl of Sandwich overdid it even by
British standards. During his gambling days,
taking meals was considered by him as highly
unwelcome interruptions. He therefore invented
a kind of meal not requiring him to exchange
the gambling table for the dinning table: sandwiches. |
|
|
