A
blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen
count in his hand were arguing about whether
or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, "When I get bad cards,
it's not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when
I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing
to do with it so why should I tip him?"
The dealer said, "When you eat out do you
tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well
then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards
so you should tip me."
"OK, but, the waiter gives me what I
ask for...I'll take an eight."
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| Webster's Definition
of Lottery
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
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| A woman was
in a casino for the first time. The spinning
ball of the roulette wheel has always caught
her attention. She decides to play at the roulette
table and she says, "I have no idea what
number to play."
A
young, good-looking man nearby suggests she
play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts
her money on number 29. The wheel is spun,
and 36 comes up. The smile drifts from the
woman's face and she faints.
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"I want
you to help me stop my son gambling," an
anxious father said to his boy's
principal. "I don't know where he gets
it from but it's bet, bet, bet."
"Leave it to me," said the principal.
A week later he phoned the boy's father. "I
think I've
cured him," he said.
"How?"
"Well, I saw him looking at my beard and
he said, 'I bet that's a false beard.'
'How much?' I said, and he said "$5 "
"What happened?" asked the father.
"Well, he tugged my beard, which is quite
natural, and I made him give me $5. I'm sure
that'll teach him a lesson."
"No, it won't," said the father. "He
bet me $10 this morning that he'd pull your
beard with
your permission by the end of the week!"
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Ned
was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled
away all his money and had to
borrow a dime from another gambler just to use
the men's room. The stall happened to
be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine
and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings
and went to the blackjack table and turned his
small winnings into ten million dollars.
Wealthy
beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the
lecture circuit, where he told his
incredible story. He told his audiences that
he was eternally grateful to his benefactor,
and
if he ever found the man he would share his
fortune with him. After months of lectures,
a
man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm
that man. I was the one who gave you the
dime."
"You're
not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for
the guy who left the door open!"
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A
man rushes into his house and yells to his wife,
"Martha, pack up your things. I just won
the California lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm
weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just
so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
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| Two
dog owners were bragging about the intelligence
of their pets.
"The
brightest dog I ever had," said one,
"was a Great Dane that could play cards.
He was a whiz at poker, but I had him put
to sleep."
"You
had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that?
A dog like that would be worth a million dollars."
"Had
to," he replied, "Caught him using
marked cards!"
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A guy named
Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business
has gone bust and he's in serious financial
trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask
God for help. He begins to pray... "God,
please help me. I've lost my business and if
I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my
house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.
Joe
again prays...
"God,
please let me win the lottery! I've lost my
business, my house and I'm going to lose my
car as well."
Lotto
night comes and Joe still has no luck.
Once
again, he prays...
"My
God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost
my business, my house, and my car. My wife
and children are starving. I don't often ask
you for help and I have always been a good
servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the
lottery this one time so I can get my life
back in order."
Suddenly
there is a blinding flash of light as the
heavens open and Joe is confronted by the
voice of God Himself:
"Joe,
meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
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| There's
the touching story of the young man who said
to his girlfriend, "I bet you wouldn't
marry me." The story goes that she not
only called his bet but she raised him five! |
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What
do you call a lady who likes gambling ?
Betty ! |
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Little
Tommy was the quietest boy in school. He never
answered any questions but his homework was
always quite excellent. If any one said anything
to him he would simply nod, or shake his head.
The staff thought he was shy and decided to
do something to give him confidence.
"Tommy," said his teacher. "I've
just bet Miss Smith $5 I can get you to say
three words. You can have half."
Tommy looked at her pityingly and said, "You
lose." |
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