A
regular Friday night poker game was still going
strong well after midnight when one of the players
returned from bathroom with an urgent report.
"Roger, listen," he told the host,
"Walter's in the kitchen making love to
your wife!"
"OK, that's it, guys," Roger said.
"This is positively the last deal." |
|
A
doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar
voice of a colleague on the other end of the
line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said
the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the
doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked,
"Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the
doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three
doctors there already!" |
|
| A
lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to
each other on a long flight from L.A. to New
York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks
if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde
is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she
politely declines and rolls over to the window
to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and
explains how the game works:
"I
ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to
get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures
he will easily win the match since his opponent
is a blonde, so he makes another offer:
"Okay, how about this. If you don't know
the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't
know the answer, I will pay you $50."
This catches the blonde's attention and,
figuring that there will be no end to this
torment unless she plays, she agrees to play
the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth
to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into
her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and
hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the blonde's
turn. She asks the lawyer,
"What goes up a hill with three legs
and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches
all his references. He taps into the airphone
with his modem and searches the Net and even
the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends
e-mails to all his friends and co-workers
- all to no avail. After over an hour of searching
for the answer, he finally gives up. He wakes
the blonde and hands her $50. The
blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away
to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more
than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde
and asks,
"Well, so what IS the answer?"
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into
her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back
to sleep.
|
|
An
accountant was walking along in the country
when he came upon a shepherd. The accountant
says,
"Listen, Farmer, I can guess how many sheep
you have."
The farmer starts to laugh:
"I have a lot of sheep. You'll never guess
how many."
"Do you want to make a bet?" asks
the accountant. "If I can guess how many
sheep you have, you'll give me one of your sheep.
If I can't, I'll pay you $100."
The shepherd concedes: "Ok, how many there
are?"
"You have exactly 1,354 sheep," says
the accountant.
The shepherd is shocked: "Incredible! I
really do have 1,354 sheep! Well, a bet's a
bet. Choose the sheep you want."
"OK, I'll take this one," says the
accountant, picking it up.
Wait for a moment, sir," says the shepherd.
"Let's make another bet: If I guess your
job, you will give me back my sheep, and if
I don't, you can take another one." The
accountant agrees to the bet and the shepherd
says, "You are an accountant."
"Unbelievable! That's true! But how did
you know?" wonders the accountant.
"Give me back my dog, and I'll explain." |
|
A
guy gets home from work one night and hears
a voice. The voice tells him, "Quit your
job, sell your house, take your money, go to
Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he
hears and ignores the voice. The next day when
he gets home from work, the same thing happens.
The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell
your house, take your money, go to Vegas."
Again the man ignores the voice, though he is
very troubled by the event. Every day, day after
day, the man hears the same voice when he gets
home from work, "Quit your job, sell your
house, take your money, go to Vegas."
Each time the man hears the voice he becomes
increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks,
he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his
job, sells his house, takes his money and heads
to Vegas. The moment the man gets off the plane
in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's."
So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's.
As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice
tells him, "Go to the roulette table."
The man does as he is told.
When he gets to the roulette table, the voice
tells him, "Put all your money on 17."
Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips
and then puts them all on 17.The dealer wishes
the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.
Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously
watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until
finally it settles into number . . . 21. The
voice says, "Darn." |
|
John
was a dedicated poker professional. Over the
past fifteen years, he'd gotten married and
was raising three fine children on his winnings.
Content with the size of the family, he and
his wife, Mary decided it was time for John
to have a vasectomy so that they could look
forward to traveling together after the children
were grown.
John entered the hospital and was put in room
201. On the day of the operation, a frumpy overweight
nurse went in to prep John for the procedure
and while shaving him, she noticed that John
had a tattoo on his privates that said "RUSH".
The frumpy nurse just happened to be a poker
player herself, and was explaining to another
more voluptuous nurse what a rush meant in poker
lingo.
Well, the more voluptuous nurse, wanting to
see the tattoo, went into room 201 on the pretense
of doing additional prep work on John. Bending
over John, with her cleavage showing, she piddled
around long enough to see the tattoo.
Returning to the nurse's lounge, the voluptuous
nurse told the other nurse, "I must have
gone to the wrong room. The man I saw was a
poker player, also, but his tattoo read "ROYAL
FLUSH". |
|
| One
day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As
he is wallowing in despair, he has his first
meeting with the devil...
Satan:
Why so glum?
Guy:
Why do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan:
Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot
of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy:
Sure, I love to drink.
Satan:
Well you're going to love Mondays then. On
Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey,
tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab
and fresca. And we don't worry about getting
a hangover, because you're dead anyway.
Guy:
Gee, that sounds great!
Satan:
You a smoker?
Guy:
You better believe it!
Satan:
All right! You're going to love Tuesdays.
We get the finest cigars from all over the
world and smoke our lungs out. If you get
cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?
Guy:
Wow, that's awesome!
Satan:
I bet you like to gamble.
Guy:
Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan:
'Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots,
whatever. If you go bankrupt... you're dead
anyhow.
Guy:
WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool
place!
Satan:
You gay?
Guy:
No...
Satan:
Ooooh (grimaces). Then you're going to hate
Fridays.
|
|
A
man went to the blackjack table of a small casino,
and when both he and the dealer got 18, was
surprised to be paid.
"It's a new rule here," said the dealer.
"The house pays on ties." A short
while later, he gets blackjack and is paid off
at 10 to 1 odds. "The house pays ties and
gives 10 to 1 on blackjack?" he asked the
dealer. "How can you afford to do it?"
"I
don't own the place," says the dealer.
"I just work here. The owner is upstairs
with my wife, and I'm doing the same thing
to him down here!"
|
|
| A
woman was in a casino for the first time. The
spinning ball of the roulette wheel has always
caught her attention. She decides to play at
the roulette table and she says, "I have
no idea what number to play."
A
young, good-looking man nearby suggests she
play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts
her money on number 29. The wheel is spun,
and 36 comes up. The smile drifts from the
woman's face and she faints.
|
|
| Paddy and his
two friends are talking at work.His first friend
says:"I think my wife is having an affair
with the electrician.The other day I came home
and found wire cutters under our bed and they
weren't mine."
His
second friend says:"I think my wife is
having an affair with the plummer the other
day I found a wrench under the bed and it
wasn't mine."
Paddy
says:"I think my wife is having an affair
with a horse." Both his friendds look
at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm
serious.The other day I came home and found
a jockey under our bed."
|
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