| The
strong young man at the construction site was
bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat
of strength. He made a special case of making
fun of one of the older workmen. After several
minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why
don't you put your money where your mouth
is," he said. "I will bet a week's
wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow
over to that outbuilding that you won't be
able to wheel back."
"You're
on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's
see what you got."
The
old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow
by the handles. Then, nodding to the young
man, he said, "All right. Get in."
|
|
One
day, at a casino buffet, a man suddenly called
out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a
quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced
that he was quite experienced at this sort of
thing. He stepped over with almost no look of
concern at all, wrapped his hands around the
boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter.
The man then went back to his table as though
nothing had happened.
"Thank
you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are
you a paramedic?"
"No,"
replied the man. "I work for the IRS.
|
|
A
man comes home to find his wife packing her
bags. "Where are you going?" demands
the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I
found out that there are men that will pay me
$500 to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment,
and then began packing HIS bags. "What
do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want
to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!" |
|
A
little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan
Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account.
The accounts person asks her how much she would
like to deposit to open the account and the
little old lady says, "Three million dollars."
The accounts person is startled, and says, "In
what form?" and the little old lady says,
"Cash. I've got it here in this bag..."
and the accounts person looks and, sure enough,
the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full
of green stuff with big denominations.
This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts
person excuses herself to get the president
of the bank to handle this one. He arrives,
and escorts the little old lady to his office
to handle it personally.
Once in his office, he asks the little old lady
where she got so much money.
She says, "Gambling." "Gambling?",
he says. "What sort of gambling?"
"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts
of things, and I usually win. For example, I've
got $100,000 right here that says that by noon
tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll
even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd
be willing to wager on that?" The bank
president is shocked at this sort of thing coming
from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't
get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan
Bank without knowing something about money.
"I suppose I could come up with enough
to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't
feel right taking it from you...there's no way
you can win a bet like that!"
The little old lady just shook the bag, and
said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can
afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is
it a bet?"
"Ok, have it your way", said the president,
and they shook hands on it.
"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning",
said the little old lady, and with that she
left.
Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives
with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and
is escorted to the bank president's office.
The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy
one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before,
waking every few minutes to feel his balls to
check for impending square ness, but nothing
happened all night. He had checked hundreds
of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly
normal.
When the little old lady arrived he started
to relax, knowing he had won.
"Come in, please have a seat! Who might
this gentleman be?" said the president.
"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size
I want to have a witness. Any objections?"
"No, perfectly understandable", said
the president. "Well, it's now noon, and
I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!"
he said happily.
"Not so fast!" said the little old
lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify
things personally! Please drop your pants."
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees
that in her position he'd want proof as well,
so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes
over to him and reaches out to feel the organs
in question.
"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000,"
says the little old lady, handing over a bag
of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts
banging his head against the wall and moaning.
"What's wrong with him?" asks the
bank president.
"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you
ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000
with him that I would have the President of
the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon
today." |
|
A
lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to
each other on a long flight from L.A. to New
York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks
if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde
is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she
politely declines and rolls over to the window
to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and
explains how the game works:
"I ask you a question, and if you don't
know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get
some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures
he will easily win the match since his opponent
is a blonde, so he makes another offer:
"Okay, how about this. If you don't know
the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't
know the answer, I will pay you $50."
This catches the blonde's attention and,
figuring that there will be no end to this torment
unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to
the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word,
reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar
bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the
blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What
goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches
all his references. He taps into the airphone
with his modem and searches the Net and even
the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends
e-mails to all his friends and co-workers -
all to no avail. After over an hour of searching
for the answer, he finally gives up. He wakes
the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely
takes the $50 and turns away to get back to
sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little
frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well,
so what IS the answer?"
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into
her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back
to sleep. |
|
During
the Great Depression, there was this man who
walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the
bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like
to buy the house a round of drinks". The
bartender said, "That's fine, but we're
in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need
to see some money first". The guy pulls
out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the
bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what
he's seeing. "Where did you get all that
money?" asked the bartender. "I'm
a professional gambler", replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing!
I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things,"
said the guy. "Like what?" asked the
bartender?
"Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that
I can bite my right eye." The bartender
thought about it. "OK". So, the guy
pulls out his false right eye and bites it.
"Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender,
and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you
another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that
I can bite my LEFT eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well,
I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you
walk in here. I'll take that bet". So,
the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites
his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again".
"That's how I win so much money, bartender.
I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch
in lieu of the $50", said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and
spent the better part of the night playing cards
with some of the locals. After many hours of
drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to
the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender,
I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you
$500 that I can stand on this bar here on one
foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that
shelf behind you without spilling a drop".
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The
guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet,
much less one. "OK, you're on". The
guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg,
and began pissing all over the place. He hit
the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop
made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender
said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's
OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card
room $1000 each that I could piss all over you
AND the bar and still make you laugh!" |
|
A
successful businessman flew to Vegas for the
weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his
back, and had nothing left but a quarter and
the second half of his round-trip ticket --
If he could just get to the airport he could
get himself home. So he went out to the front
of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the
cabbie. He promised to send the driver money
from home, he offered him his credit card numbers,
his drivers license number, his address, etc.
but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate
dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars,
get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman
was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and
was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked
long and hard to regain his financial success,
returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out
to the front of the casino to get a cab ride
back to the airport. Well who should he see
out there, at the end of a long line of cabs,
but his old buddy who had refused to give him
a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman
thought for a moment about how he could make
the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he
hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the
line, "How much for a ride to the airport,"
he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the
reply. "And how much for you to give me
a blow-job on the way?" "What?!!!
Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab
in the long line and asked the same questions,
with the same result. When he got to his old
friend at the back of the line, he got in and
asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "ok" and off
they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the
long line of cabs the businessman gave a big
smile and thumbs up sign to each driver. |
|
One
day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As
he is wallowing in despair, he has his first
meeting with the devil... Satan: "Why so
glum?" Guy: "Why do you think? I'm
in hell!" Satan: "Hell's not so bad.
We actually have a lot of fun down here. You
a drinking man?" Guy: "Sure, I love
to drink."
Satan: "Well you're going to love Mondays
then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet
tab and fresca. And we don't worry about getting
a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!" Satan:
"You a smoker?" Guy: "You better
believe it!" Satan: "All right! You're
going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars
from all over the world and smoke our lungs
out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already
dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow, that's awesome!" Satan:
"I bet you like to gamble." Guy: "Why
yes, as a matter of fact I do." Satan:
"'Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you
want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots,
whatever. If you go bankrupt... you're dead
anyhow." Guy: "WOW! I never realized
Hell was such a cool place!" Satan: "You
gay?" Guy: "Hell, no!" Satan:
"Hm, you gonna hate Fridays then." |
|
A
man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he
hears a deep voice: DIG ! He looks around: nobody's
there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks.
Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG !
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare
hands, and after some inches, he finds a small
chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says:
OPEN ! Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing.
He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock,
and when the chest is finally open, he sees
a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO
THE CASINO ! Well the casino is only a few miles
away, so the man takes the chest and walks to
the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE !
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile
of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables,
where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27 ! He takes the whole
pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly
bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier
throws the ball. The ball stays at the 26. The
deep voice says: SHIT ! |
|
A
group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling
in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won
$100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about
it, so he decided not to return with the others,
but took a later plane home - arriving back
3 a.m. He immediately went out to the backyard
of his house, dug a hole and planted the money
in it. The following morning he walked outside
and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps
leading from the hole to the house next door,
which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same
street lived a professor who understood sign
language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing
his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the
professor and dragged him to the deaf man's
house. "You tell this guy that if he doesn't
give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!"
he screamed at the professor. The professor
conveyed the message to his friend, and his
friend replied in sign language, "I hid
it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."
The professor turned to the man with the gun
and said, "He's not going to tell you.
He said he'd rather die first." |
|
| President
Clinton was being entertained by an African
leader. They'd spent the day discussing what
the country had received from the Russians before
the new government kicked them out. "The
Russians built us a power plant, a highway,
and an airport. We learned to drink vodka and
play Russian roulette. President Clinton frowned.
"Russian roulette is a dangerous game!"
The African leader smiled. "That's why
we developed African roulette. If you want to
have good relations with our country, you'll
have to play. I'll show you how." He pushed
a buzzer, and in paraded a half dozen, magnificently
built women who immediate shrugged off their
garb. "You can choose any one of those
women to give you oral sex," he told Clinton.
As you can well imagine, THIS got Clinton's
immediate attention, and he was ready to make
his choice, when a thought occurred to him.
"How is this related to Russian roulette?"
The African leader smiled evilly, leaned towards
Clinton and in a soft, even voice said "One
of them is a cannibal." |
|
|
