A
guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble.
His business has gone bust and he's in serious
financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides
to ask God for help. He begins to pray... "God,
please help me. I've lost my business and if
I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my
house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays...
"God, please let me win the lottery! I've
lost my business, my house and I'm going to
lose my car as well." Lotto night comes
and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've
lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife
and children are starving. I don't often ask
you for help and I have always been a good servant
to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this
one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light
as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by
the voice of God Himself: "Joe, meet Me
halfway on this. Buy a ticket." |
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10
Things in Golf that sound Dirty
1. You go to a hockey game and wonder what happened
to the dealers and boxman.
2. When an ambulance passes with flashing lights,
you assume someone hit a "hand pay."
3. When your kid says math "came easy"
today, you ask if it was a 4,6,8 or 10.
4. You go into a shoe store and ask if they
have 4, 6, or 8 deck.
5. When your English professor says the author
made his point; you ask if he pressed or not.
6. You hear the bible story where Lazarus is
told to "Come out", and you ask for
a 2-way C & E.
7. You show up early at the bakery to take advantage
of the hot rolls.
8. You wonder if a salad shooter is really a
gambling device.
9. When the bartender asks if you want a "double",
you say not against an ace.
10. You go into a 7-11 and ask to play the "don't."
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| A
man walks into a bar and notices a poker game
at the far table. Upon taking a closer look
he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks
his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards
and chips in front of the dog. Then the next
hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog.
Then the dog acts in turn with all the other
players, calling, raising, discarding, everything
the other human players were doing. However
none of the other players seemed to pay any
mind to the fact that they were playing with
a dog, they just treated him like any other
player. Finally the man could not longer hold
his tongue so between hands he quietly said
to one of the players, "I can't believe
that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest
dog in the world!" The player smiled and
said, "He isn't that smart, every time
he gets a good hand he wags his tail." |
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| Two
friends, Smith and Jones, went together to play
the slot machines at the casino. Each agreed
that when his allotted money was gone, he would
go to the front of the casino and sit on the
bench to wait for his friend. Jones quickly
lost all of his money and went to sit on the
bench. He waited and waited and waited and waited.
After what seemed an eternity, he saw Smith
coming toward him carrying a huge sack of coins.
"Hey, Jones," said Smith, "how'd
you do?" "Well, Smith", said
Jones, "you see me here on this bench-
what do you think? It looks like you hit it
big, though." "Oh yeah," said
Smith, "did I find a good machine! It's
way in the back. I'll show it to you-you can't
lose! EVERY TIME YOU PUT IN A DOLLAR FOUR QUARTERS
COME OUT!!!" |
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| Ned
was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled
away all his money and had to borrow a dime
from another gambler just to use the men's room.
The stall happened to be open, so he used the
dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot.
He took his winnings and went to the blackjack
table and turned his small winnings into ten
million dollars. Wealthy beyond his wildest
dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where
he told his incredible story. He told his audiences
that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor,
and if he ever found the man he would share
his fortune with him. After months of lectures,
a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm
that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."
"You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm
looking for the guy who left the door open!" |
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| A
man was quietly reading his paper when his wife
sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head
with a frying pan. "What was that for?"
he says. "That was for the piece of paper
in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou
written on it", she replies. "Two
weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou
was the name of one of the horses I bet on",
he explains. She looks satisfied, apologizes,
and goes off to do work around the house. Three
days later he's again sitting in his chair reading
when she nails him with an even bigger frying
pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to,
he says, "What the hell was that for?"
"Your horse phoned." |
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Two
men were at the Casino and were just leaving
to go home at 3:00 a.m.
Man1: You know what I hate about this? When
I go home. I turn off my headlights, turn off
the engine, and coast into the driveway. Then
I go to the front door, take off my shoes and
sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always
wakes up and we end up having a fight.
Man2: What I do instead is drive into the driveway,
honk the horn a few times, get out of the car,
slam the door, go in the house and slam the
door. Then I yell "Honey, I'm home,"
run upstairs, slap her on the ass and say, "How
about a little love, woman?" She never
even moves. |
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| Two
bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps
table. A very attractive redhead comes in and
wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single
roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you
don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
bottomless." With that she strips naked
from the waist down, and rolls the dice while
yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging
each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes
and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at
each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them
asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I thought YOU were
watching her dice!" |
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| Bill
Gates arrives at the port to heaven and hell.
Petrus says: You see Bill, we don't know what
to do with you. You may choose "heaven"
or "hell". Bill peeks in heaven and
sees a couple of old boring men sitting around
at a table. Bill takes a look in hell and sees
really beautiful women, sex, drugs, rock and
roll, and most of all, gambling. So Bill says
: I am a gambling man, I want to go to hell!
Once in hell, Bill is immediately thrown into
the fire. So Bill says : hey, what the hell
is this, I saw all the gambling, the women,
and sex? The devil says: 'That was just a demo
version." |
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| One
day, at a casino buffet, a man suddenly called
out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a
quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!" A
man from a nearby table stood up and announced
that he was quite experienced at this sort of
thing. He stepped over with almost no look of
concern at all, wrapped his hands around the
boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter.
The man then went back to his table as though
nothing had happened. "Thank you! Thank
you!" the father cried. "Are you a
paramedic?" "No," replied the
man. "I work for the IRS." |
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| A
blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen
count in his hand were arguing about whether
or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, "When I get bad cards,
it's not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when
I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing
to do with it so why should I tip him?"
The dealer said, "When you eat out do you
tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well
then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards
so you should tip me." "OK, but, the
waiter gives me what I ask for...I'll take an
eight." |
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