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Recess - Jokes Volume #9

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A young sexy blonde went to Las Vegas. She had been in the casino for about an hour, and realized she was thirsty. So she went to the pop machine in the hall. She put $1.00 in an a Pepsi came out, she put another $1.00 in and another Pepsi came out, she put one last $1.00 in and another Pepsi came out.

A man saw her, and he said: "What are you doing?" And the sexy blonde said: "Duh!!

Winning!!!"
Two friends, Harry and Potter, went together to play the slot machines at the casino. Each agreed that when his allotted money was gone, he would go set on the bench and wait for the other to finish.

Potter quickly lost all of his money and went to sit on the bench. He waited and waited and waited some more. After what seemed an eternity, he saw Harry coming toward him carrying a huge sack of coins.

"Hey, Potter," said Harry, "how'd you do?" "Well, Harry", said Potter, "you see me here on this bench- what do you think? It looks like you hit it big, though." "Oh yeah," said Harry, "did I ever find a good machine! It's way in the back. I'll show it to you - you can't lose! Every time you put in a buck four quarters come out!"
A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"

The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" ... "Yes."

"Well then, he serves you food; I'm serving you cards, so you should tip me."

"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight!"
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11" all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says "I know what you mean...my old lady played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers "hit me light or hit me hard", and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an a$$ full of quarters."
Never wink at the dealer especially if he's the same sex.

Don't bring your silver dollar yo-yo near the slot machines.

Don't drink and gamble at the same time. Put the drink down first.

Know when it's time to go home - when you've won too much.

Don't call for a ball measurement after losing a roulette spin.

Don't stack your slots coin tubs on top of the machine just to show off.

Don't flip chips capriciously onto the poker table from 5 feet away and say "let
it ride."

Don't try to psyche out the blackjack dealer by staring at him for 5 minutes.

Don't stand up and cheer on your horse at the Sega horse racing game.

Don't ask if they oil the blue dog at the Sega horse racing game.

Don't chew big ice cubes at the craps table.

Don't ask the croupier if you can use your lucky dice.

Don't ask the Roulette guy if the French wheel was imported.

Don't ask the guy next to you if he can break a five.

Don't ask security where the pinball machines are.

Don't ask the cashier for change for the condom machine.
Don't say Episcopalian when the cashier asks you which denomination you
prefer.
Don't put your dinner plate on the roulette table.
Don't pull out your Hoyle's rule book when the BJ dealer says you can't split an
8th time.
Don't tip the security guard.
Don't ask the dealer about the odds on strip poker.
Don't pretend you're an IRS agent and talk into your cell phone.
Don't bother counting cards with your fingers.
When the dealer decides to stand, don't say "I'm callin' ya' yella' mister."
Don't ask the BJ dealer if he knows any good card tricks.
Don't stuff your pockets with big magnets and then play roulette.
Don't use a Jamaican accent while playing Caribbean poker.
Don't complain to the pitboss about the dealer's poker face.
Don't ask where the play for fun games are.
Don't butt into a private multiplayer poker tournament game saying "mind if I
join in."
If you lose at Blackjack, don't say to the dealer, "okay, okay, double or
nothing."

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.

"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"
A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about
whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get
good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"
The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" ... "Yes."
"Well then, he serves you food; I'm serving you cards, so you should tip me."
"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight!"
A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip
won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the
others, but took a later plane home -- arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the
backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he
walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to
the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a
professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his
pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's
house.

"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he
screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his
friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said
he'd rather die first."
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week
flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to
work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady
flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11" all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says "I know what you mean...my old lady played black jack the whole time
we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers "hit me light or hit me hard", and I
haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole
time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an a$$ full of
quarters."
A young sexy blonde went to Las Vegas. She had been in the casino for about an hour,
and realized she was thirsty. So she went to the pop machine in the hall. She put $1.00 in
an a Pepsi came out, she put another $1.00 in and another Pepsi came out, she put one
last $1.00 in and another Pepsi came out.

A man saw her, and he said: "What are you doing?" And the sexy blonde said: "Duh!!
Winning!!!"
Morning at the casino. Two bored dealers are delighted when an attractive sexy lady
comes to their crap table and puts down $20,000 down on a single roll of the dice.

"I hope you don't mind" she says "but I feel much luckier when I'm topless." With that she
removes both blouse and bra.

She rolls the dice, yelling "Momma needs a new shirt!" Then she jumps up and down and
hugs the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and
quickly leaves. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one to them asks,
"What did she roll, anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were
watching the dice!"


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